Look at his Little Face.

Look at his little face - like a retarded Shrek, whose lollipop has been stolen. How can anyone be surprised that he has fucked someone other than his wife? I wonder how many multi-millionaire, twenty something, men wouldn’t play “hide the sausage” with legions of willing women, given half a chance?

Yeah, yeah, he (or someone) made a point of branding him as a family man so he could reap the cash rewards of being a media personality/sportsman. That was his idea, I am sure. You can just imagine him in a meeting saying something like – “I feel the Rooney brand should centre on family values, let’s build on the idea that this man married his childhood sweetheart and not some gold digging ming mong. Our Wayne Rooney is keeping it real, yar.” Men, like our Wayne, are children, and often not very bright children. They are sweet toothed buffoons with a key to the candy store. So please don't be surprised or morally outraged when they gorge on cheap confectionery.

They are oil that lubricates the lifestyle/branding/celebrity/shit-storm we buy into. Footballers are rich pickings for personal managers and the PR industry. No self-respecting manager is going to fail to point out the financial rewards of marrying a "Wag", if only for selling the wedding photos to “Hello” magazine. I wonder how much easier it is to sell a married image to sponsors than a playboy, fuck machine? Oh yeah, Wayne loses millions in various divorce settlements, but look on the bright side, it'll help sell shed loads of one or more of his "autobiographies!" I doubt agents and managers lose much sleep, I don't see them looking after Gazza as he tailspins into a morass of mental illness, debt and boozing. And who can blame them for exploiting a humungous cash cow we have created? If we are willing to idolise these "celebrities," pay them a fortune and invest emotionally every time they toss themselves off maybe we are the shallow idiots who should get our lives in order before we judge. Let's face it most footballers are all washed up at 35. Their earning potential is either hugely diminished or completely gone by 40, so if they don't want to end up running a pub they better claw in the cash while they can. The other problem is they are also only going to have the "jet-set" lifestyle for a short time, they need to get the high quality, spit-roasting done because the offers will start to dry up when they are only opening the local "Spangles" nightclub with fucked knees.

We laugh at the inbred fucktards on Jeremy Kyle, who rut like wild dogs with everybody within a 3 mile radius of their sordid little middens, but are then surprised that the boy or girl that lived next door, who now has a mountain of wonga because they are good at kicking a bag of air, fucks people who have all their teeth and can wear clothes that don't have elasticated waistbands. I am more surprised when they don't go champagne drinking, drug taking, cum spraying crazy. What would it take, apart from a complete lack of imagination, not try some of the treats on offer, for a limited time only, especially in our world of instant gratification? So they got married, to a poor innocent, fashion obsessed, stick insect - does anyone really care?

Feeling sorry for someone like Colleen is bollocks. She and the other Wags must have an idea that being able to shop until their feet bleed and an access all areas pass to China Whites comes with a high price tag. They buy into the whole youth equals beauty bullshit and surely even they realise that the surgeon's knife can only slow time down a little. Once they look a little less like a box fresh Barbie what chance do they stand? Screwed (or not) by the very revolting values they worship. It is like women who marry rock stars - they must know their husbands are going to hump groupies by the articulated lorry full - unless of course they marry Charlie Watts (in his 60s).

Is Wayne's prostitute humping news? Not really - it is about as news worthy as Ashley Cole is a bit of a twat and Cheryl Cole (who is apparently keeping his name - why loose a good alliterative moniker when you don't have too?) has a new dress, is giving a hand shandy to one of her dancers or is a bit poorly. If we are going to follow the lives of peanut, brained retards let's enjoy it. Let's embrace our voyeuristic tendencies, let's enjoy the titillation and the media guided curtain twitching, don't get all moral about it or act surprised. I don't want to watch Ultimate Big Brother for the intellectual conversation or the insight into what makes Vanessa Feltz, tick, other than lots of cake. I want to see them fuck and fight. I want to see them tear each other apart like wild animals and if they won't do it - release the lions and tigers! I want to see Jeremy Kyle bully a nincompoop until they kill themselves live on TV and the other guests kick Kyle until he is just a soggy smudge of blood, meat, piss and shit on the studio floor. I want to hear that Wayne Rooney has been caught dogging outside Buckingham Palace with Kerry Katona, Katie Price, John Terry and Jeremy Clarkson, while Prince Philip jizzes on the windscreen. I want to watch born again Christians, D list celebrities and Phil Collins, armed only with a rolled up copies of The Sun fight gladiators brandishing hammers, axes and big fuck of swords. I want to visit mental homes and watch the disables throw shit at each other..... am I going too far?

So next time "Half Ton Man" is on telly and you are looking at him laying naked in his own shit, or idiots on wife swap are screaming at each other, or some mentally unstable, talentless, misguided contestant is making a cunt of themselves on X Factor - ask yourself at what point will I turn off? Admit it, you love it! I am just sad it is so mundane. By the way has the film of Raoul Moat blowing his brains out ever made it to You Tube?