Phil Collins is a Talentless Twat.

I was never a Genesis fan, even the stuff they did with Peter Gabriel was shit. Gabs saw the writing on the wall and left – smart move. (Although he asked Collins to help him with his solo stuff, I believe? Maybe not so clever after all?) Then we had the Phil Collins’ Genesis era, which clearly shows the lack of musical integrity of the other members of the band, when they take their less than competent drummer and hand him a microphone. Was it to stop him drumming or give us something to laugh at, or both?

Now if Mr Collins had left us alone and only bothered the beardy wankers with his substandard prog rock cluster wank I would not be writing this. But he chose to do a number of things that just scream “I am a twat and I am here to prove it!”

So where do I start, his solo career? There was a lot of rubbish music in the eighties as in all decades, but Collins sucked the big one. I can’t be arsed to explain why his recordings are so bad but “In the Air Tonight” deserves special mention. Its double, if not treble, tracked whining vocals skating over the top of an insipid synth soundscape, with intermittent big splash drums is aural sewage. The lyrics are bad teenage poetry and they are being sung by someone who looks and sounds like your dad singing with his headphones on. Anyone, under 40 who bought that record should have their stereo smashed to pieces with a hammer. They should also be made to listen to the Collins version of “You Can’t Hurry Love” forever until they chew their own bollocks off. And what the fuck was the point of that recording? For a man that claims to love Motown, pissing all over a classic is a funny way of showing it. If that is not bad enough he has just recorded an album of Motown and Soul “classics”, using the Funk Brothers, so at least we don’t have to listen to him playing the drums or any of his self penned, shit awful songs. But don’t worry, for a man that told Levi Stubbs how to sing “Going Loco Down in Acapulco” (enough on its own for twat status) he is bound to have got the Funk Brothers playing to a click track and put gated reverb on everything – brilliant!

Then there was Live Aid with Led Zeppelin. How embarrassing. Talk about not knowing your limitations. The arrogance of the man! I think that Page invited him against the advice of the others. They must have got Tony Thompson to play the drums properly. A monkey or a man in a gorilla suit could’ve played Collins’ parts. I hope he still wakes up in a sweat screaming about that one. Concord crashed in a ball of flames a few years too late as far as I am concerned.

Both the Zeppelin incident and “You Can’t Hurry Love” clearly illustrate that he has no musical taste or understanding. Bonham’s drumming was Led Zeppelin, without him, or someone playing like him they are not Led Zeppelin. Collins cannot have understood this or was too full of his own self importance to step away. He either is stupid or has no shame, but probably both. As for you “Can’t Hurry Love” - well the genius of Motown is in the melody, vocal performances, the arrangements, the musicians and the recording methods. Take everything away and add nothing – there is no point and no artistic merit to the cover – the behaviour of a twat.

Then there was “Nonce Sense” on Brass Eye, setting him up must have been like shooting rats, or Dr Fox in a barrel. It played right into his Daily Mail sensibilities – it is a shame Chris Morris didn’t convince him to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger….

Yes I know he made lots of money and has been successful, and sampled, blah, blah, blah but selling records was never the mark of being a good artist… Jedwood? You see, it’s easy.

Poor Nick Griffin.

Just imagine the scene. Everyone's favourite racist twat, in a rented suit, blinking back a tear in his one good eye as he is turned away from the garden party at Buck House. Then he is shouted at by nasty, Peter Tatchell. But big tough Nicky G is not scared that much, as he has hired thugs to protect him from the horrid, scary, shouty man. And he needs them as it would not be a fair match. Spineless, bitter racist windbag against heroic, fearless campaigner. Especially as Nick is so upset and outraged.

Nick thinks it is an “absolute scandal” that he was not let into the palace garden party and to be honest so do I. Why keep one racist scumbag out when the place was probably packed with them? I bet they invite loads so Philip has to someone to talk to and no one is offended by his favourite of racist jokes. Then again, Griffin is a common racist and your average posh racist hates common people as much as they hate foreigners! Oh unless the foreigners are Greek, or German – no they don’t like the Germans, or do they? Oh yeah, and some Asian people are okay if they are called “Sooty” and play polo….. fuck, this is confusing. At least we know that William and Harry are not… bollocks! I give up.

But it makes me chuckle that England's best know racist was not let into a party given by the wife of the country's second best known racist. Poor Nick, he is even a shit racist, but I still want to punch out his good eye every time I see him. Is that wrong?

I Hate Children's Parties.

If I ever have to sit or stand through another 4 year old's middle class, toss fest of a birthday party I will staple my nads to a table and then throw it in front of a train. What a bunch of cunts - the parents, not the kids. Hey who cares about the kids they will eat anything with sugar, additives or fizz you put in front of them and then charge about until they puke it all up, but oh no, not anymore.

Today's party for the average pre-teen is a revolting game of one upmumship and it stinks like the contents of dead rat's arse. Gone are Golden Wonder crisps in a huge washing up bowl, fish paste sandwiches and squash and in comes an assortment of foods produced by a local "named" restaurant and organic waters with a touch of fuck knows what! Gone is pass the parcel and musical chairs and in with the overpaid twat in a bright blue bow tie pretending to be a child's entertainer. The only entertaining thing about them is wondering what the room would look like if the kids were given the right razor sharp instruments and told there was a Kinder Egg deep inside the the clown and the first one to get it out would meet Justin Beiber.

Then there is the goody bag. A bag containing cheap shit and a pencil with a cartoon character on it. Why? Whose birthday is it?

But worst of all are the parents. It's not the kids' fault they have arseholes for parents but most of them do. There is the dad that spends the whole time staring out of a window, on his phone, looking at his car with a personalised number plate. Then there is jokey dad flirting with all the fat stupid mums that are craving a bit of attention. Then there is super dad getting involved with everything, like an overgrown beer-bellied Blue Peter presenter in flip-flops and an Hawaiian shirt - your basic twat.

Then there are the women. They just compete at every level. Earth mum is sitting right in the middle of the room, expressing milk out of a big, fat tit. Fashion mum is tottering about on designer shoes, caked in slap talking in a loud voice about little Emilia's dress. Then there are the Tory voters, that wear twin sets and pearls, big dresses to cover their fat arses with puffy, white, moon faces and horse teeth. I hate these the most with their "I'm not racist but" but they are racist. Their complaints about Antonia's private school and how intelligent their three and four year olds are for their ages and how they need stretching academically. FUCK OFF! I just want to smash out every horse tooth in their stupid fat faces. I want to tell them just how unremarkable their children are and how they will probably grow up to be as ugly fat, bored and unhappy as their bitter, money obsessed parents. I just want them to take their spoilt kids, their spineless, golf playing, boring husbands and drive off into the sunset in their 4x4 which explodes in a ball of fire, cooking them all to the texture of Golden Wonder crisps.

To sort this out there needs to be a system. As well as children's entertainers and goody bags the parents should wear badges. That have the answers to these following four questions.

Do you often find yourself agreeing with the Daily Mail or Telegraph?

Do you send your children to private school?

I have a personalised number plate with your name on, do you want it?

Would you breast feed a 5 year old?

If the badge has any combination which includes one or more "Yes" answers, I won't talk to you as we won't get on. However, if you talk to me, I will probably tell you your child looks like it has cancer, is a retard and ugly. Call me judgemental if you like, because I am. Maybe next time I should just stay at home.

We're Doomed.

Now ginger nutter, Raoul Moat has blown his twisted brains out on live TV, what have I learnt? Well, I have learnt that gallows humour is alive and well on Twitter and is very funny.

I have also learnt that our media will do anything to feed an ever increasing public appetite for voyeurism. Much of the news media is already rolling about in the gutter and about as serious as "OK" and "Nuts." Let's get out the flags and celebrate - it is now fine to show a man, labelled an evil nut-job, shooting his face off. Just like it is fine to watch any number of people, with mental health problems and addictions, torch their lives because it is packaged as entertainment, disguised as news.

"Well you made jokes at Moat's expense," I hear you say. Yes I did - he looked like a fucking potato for Christ's sake and titted about playing hide and seek with thousands of hacks and cops for 7 days. He was a thoroughly nasty piece of work and needed to be locked up - the whole sordid story was begging for some piss taking and I couldn't help myself. Double standards? I don't think so. Many of the sick pranksters on Twitter are taking the piss, and maybe taking cheap shots (no pun intended) but they are not pretending to do or be anything else.

I am sick enough to laugh at almost anything, but what I can't stand is the endless rolling news scraping the the depths of human misery, sensationalising it and vomiting it up as entertainment. I don't want the news full of interviews with anyone with an arsehole, giving their take on the matter. I don't want shots of roads Moat might have walked down or houses he had a cuppa in, described in sinister tones. If they had found his shit would they have shown that? Don't worry, I can cope with news that isn't turned into a freak show. I'm a reader and don't need someone to draw me a sensationalised, distorted picture, I can do that in my own head thanks.

Filming his last moments alive and probably his death was not needed, I have an imagination. If you tell me a man is sitting on the ground with a shotgun at his chin, surrounded by armed police - I can kinda work out what that may look like. And hey, I can always watch the miniseries when it comes out if I really am incapable of creating an image of a very angry potato in my head. Thankfully they haven't broadcast the actual moment he was pumped full of electricity and blasted his brains over nearby cops - but I am sure a pixelated version is on the way.

So rolling media, take your ghoulish obsession with trying to titillate us with your news porn and fuck off and die. Luckily I didn't see Sky news, but it is a shame the cops didn't taser the scrot sack of the scum that sat in the tree filming. I would pay to see that and laugh out loud as he twitched and fizzed like cheap firework.

Next time we get a dangerous, disturbed violent lunatic on the loose, let's catch him, wind him up and put him in the Big Brother house.... Now that really would be entertaining. It would also be another step closer to live executions on Telly - which I fear are coming like a bullet from a marksman's rifle. We're Doomed - but you have have to laugh, well I do.

Nick Clegg's Freedom Bill?

I can't stand Nicky Campbell, he is a sanctimonious little twerp! He's like Jeremy Kyle with A'levels and doesn't he know it? However, this morning, just before I re-tuned my radio, I heard him interviewing Nick Clegg. Two of my favourite Nicks in a room at the same time? But then I heard Clegg begin to stutter.

He was peddling the big, new politics idea of giving people the chance to suggest bad laws that need to be abolished - the "Freedom Bill." I think you email in or something and suggest the laws you believe should go. Brilliant! So hands up anyone stupid enough to think this is worth a horse's arse? Anyone dumb enough (Daily Mail readers I expect) to think this is nothing more than a pathetic PR stunt should be made to live in a cage full of double incontinent, retarded monkeys.

Call me cynical and Nick Clegg did - so that is the one thing he is right about - because of course they are not going to take a blind bit of notice what anyone suggests, they will do what they want and then claim "it's what the people wanted!" How fucking stupid do they think we are? Hmmmm, Tory voters - maybe I am missing something.

It's politics for idiots made by a coalition that is already running out of ideas on how to keep in power. If you want to abolish lots of laws you think are shit - do it! But you won't, as you know that every law will be supported by a few Tory nut jobs and since you just kicked the country to pieces with a budget that will essentially create an underclass of poor, who will probably want to roast your gonads and then feet them to their children, upsetting the blue rinse Tory scum is the last thing you want to be doing. So tell them it was their idea and they will be slapping each other on the back, happy in their deluded self importance.

So listening to Nick Clegg spluttering his way through trying to sell this half arsed idea was highly amusing. Nicky Campbell asked him to name a law he would want abolished, Clegg avoided answering - probably because he doesn't know what Dave wants him to say. It was a bit like shooting a rat in a barrel and Clegg sounded like the spineless twat he really is. The trouble was he made Campbell almost sound like he was a proper political interviewer - no Humph or Paxman but he had him on the ropes.

So a note to both of the Nicks: Clegg you really need to stop acting like a total bell-end and grow a pair of your own. Campbell, don't think for one minute that was a fair fight. You just nicked a lollipop off the dimwit kid in the class, who eats dog shit when the school bully tells him to. Now please, both fuck off my radio.