Porn Star Umpa Lumpas!

You fucking morons- injecting yourselves in order to get a tan. At least grow a pair and choose smack! How, fucking stupid and vain do you have to be? Anyone, dumb enough to buy into today's beauty myth deserves everything they get. It's a shame the jabs didn't turn you purple and make your eyes explode... even then some window licker would've continued to take the stuff, convinced by the bollocks on the packet.

On the tube the other day there was a 20 something woman, caked in slap, false eyelashes - three inches long, a trout pout, enormous tits and completely orange, like a porn star Umpa-Lumpa. What the fuck is going on it her chemically saturated brain? I have no idea if she'd had surgery' but if you told me she had - I'd guess.... lobotomy!

Plastic surgery - as fashion? For fuck's sake. The one sure thing about life is that the moment we're born we're going to die. If we are lucky we will get old and then die. Some of us will turn into basket cases, sitting in our own filth and sucking our food through a straw, but get old we will. Lots of us will go a bit wrinkly, forget everything other than where the cake is and then have our hearts explode, but one way or another it will happen - so get over it. Enjoy everything thing life has to offer and stop bending over to be arse-fucked by every new "must have" consumer train wreck.

I can understand and fully support plastic surgery for people who are seriously disfigured or affected by an abnormality - yeah, an enormous conk and jumbo lugs count. If your life is being made a misery because you look like a freak and people roar with laughter and point at you as if you were the Elephant man, whenever you walk into a room - you probably need to have a few bits trimmed up here and there. But if you are deluded enough to think that enormous tits will solve your problems you are a fuckwit. Now, being a fuckwit is much more likely to be the cause of your low self-esteem than the diminutive size of your jugs - so maybe read a book or two -you mong. Having your baps inflated to the size of two medium sized space hoppers is going to make you look like.... Jody Marsh, and convince everyone that you have a donut for a brain. Men, who give you attention because you have been "cosmetically enhanced" are probably not going to respect your opinions on anything apart from dogging.

At what point did women wake up and say, "look here, in the battle for equality we need enormous hooters - they will definitely get us equal pay." Of course no woman did. Men came up with the idea. "What do we like? Titties, big old titties! And money, lots of money -- now let's have a thunk." Then all they needed to do was find some female pond-life to go along with them and have her chest expanded and next turn the concept loose in fashion and celebrity consumer culture. Bingo, rake in the cash, you've created a whole new industry. An industry that: has convinced everyone it's self empowering; is letting women take control; is a lifestyle choice just like benefits and tax evasion.

If big old hooters are not your bag you could of course have your face changed. This week's fashion fad is say - lips that look like two slugs fucking. Next thing - every wannabe singer, model, actress wants the new "look". Victoria Beckham has it done, it spreads through the papers like a virus and then the new industry moguls, sit back and watch their bank balances swell like Lesley Ash's lips.

Then you also get to sell lots of papers when someone ends up looking like a duck (Lesley Ash, again). The total lack of imagination it must take to decide to inject your lips with monkey spunk or whatever, is mind boggling. Isn't there enough shit to shovel into the back of your car in Westfield Shopping Centre, without resorting to making your face look like you blew a wasp? Have you seen Brit Ekland wearing glasses lately- Dick Emery in drag or what?

If swollen lips don't put a smile on your face, you could have a scrape, a lift, a peel or some botox. All designed to make you look younger! It's sick and ridiculous because it fools no one. Tony Curtis - wow is he 35? At least in the last few months he has given up the wigs and gone bald! But it has taken cancer and being 80+ that has finally made him realise that even Hollywood can't really make time stand still, well in real life anyway. What crippled logic tells these fucking morons that this is a good idea? They will buy into anything that is packaged and sold in the right way. Hell, they even have coffee pumped up their arses to get the shit out!

Like cosmetics, before the surgery part, this stuff was predominantly aimed at women but men are just as vain and easily parted from their cash for bollocks (probably quite literally). It started in Hollywood and now men have been hoisted by their own petard. For years bald, beer bellied, pasty faced wank-jockeys have been telling women they are too fat, thin, tall, short, their tits are too small, big, saggy or their skirts are too short or long. Now, the women have struck back and want 6 packs, tans, muscles and hair - etc. So the days of a bloke with a giant, bloated gut and prolapsed bowel, getting away with a geezer factor of 50 because of their "personality" have gone. They too are injecting themselves with stuff to make them day-glo orange and having hair punched into their spams and I hope it hurts.

Come to think of it what's the down side? If stupid people want to inflict huge amounts of pain and discomfort on themselves in order to look like a bunch of cunts - go right ahead. And if it all goes horribly wrong - you only have yourselves to blame, so shut the fuck up, put a bag over your head or give us a fucking good laugh.

Do they do cock extensions?