Gillian McKeith eats shit and we love it!

What the fuck does Dr Poo think she is doing? I have always thought that Gillian McKeith is a few bits of sweetcorn short of a really good shit but, fuck me! Last night's "I'm a Celebrity" reached new heights of barmy old cack from the nation's favourite, NOT A REAL DOCTOR.

Let's take a look at how this crazy, old, shit poker arrived in the jungle. Gillian McKeith made a name for herself making up pseudoscience about what is nothing more than turds in boxes. She then went on to fool ratings hungry TV pond life to let her onto our tellies. Next, she was exposed as being a complete charlatan and NOT A REAL DOCTOR. Finally, Dr Poo gets in a bit of a kerfuffle on Twitter and makes herself out to be even more of a nut job, if that were possible.

Now, such a person, if they were sane, would probably not go onto a TV program where the general public, who they made into turd staring morons, get to vote on whether they eat shit or not, but Gillian McKeith does! Then in the first few minutes she tells the viewing public that she'll faint at the first sight of a fly.... McKeith may just as well've bent over and said "fist my scrawny ring piece." because that is what is going to happen.

What in a box full of bugs' name is going through her shit obsessed brain? Can she really be that desperate or greedy for cash? Is she so deluded that she thinks the public actually liker her and will be endeared by her screeching, twitching, attention seeking train wreck of a personality?

She is clearly mental, no really mental. Surely, ITV have a duty of care? Or maybe they just want to to give us the chance to see what McKeith's shit looks like? I have an image in my mind of Dr Poo with a box full of creepy-crawlies on her head, running about screaming and spraying shit all over Lembit Opik, while Shaun Ryder pisses himself laughing. Now, I would pay to see that.

Tonight they are going to bury her in a box full of bugs and rats (which will, if she is lucky and telling the truth, make her faint). She will clearly go ape-shit (to coin a phrase) and hopefully evacuate her bowels. She will scream "get me out of here!" However, viewers all over our great country will be hoping they don't let her out until she shits and vomits her pelvis and vital organs out and her eyes start to bleed.

Of course in another world we would be ashamed of our lust to see, what is essentially a mental old sack of bones being tortured on telly. But fuck it - it's Gillan McKeith, she is deluded and getting paid. So empty in the cockroaches and spiders!

Next week they are water boarding Lembit Opik until his brain explodes - that's going to fucking brilliant!

So, dear ITV can you please fix it for me to see Jeremy Clarkson spit roasted by two Shetland ponies, thank you.

Why can't I fucking post things?

Why can't I post things?

Poor old Chris Moyles!

I don't listen to Chris Moyles as he is a complete cunt. The fact that he thinks ripping off more talented American jocks, with his -let's chat to the crew bollocks and then surrounds himself with sycophantic dick wads is proof he sucks the big one. Complaining that he has not been paid by the Beeb is another reason.

Does he really think the BBC won't pay him? It is obviously a clumsy administrative error - although I wish it wasn't and they had come to their senses, realising they may as well flush the cash straight down the shitter. Now, I would tune into his show to hear them flush his money away a £10 note at a time, while he is crying in the background. Now that's radio.

So, Mr Moyles, no one feels sorry for you... thousands of people are losing their jobs right now and really not getting paid - you won't loose everything if you got sacked tomorrow. You wouldn't even have to get a proper job, as you could whore your arse to every second rate game show format going and that wouldn't hurt, as you proved so many times, you have no problem presenting yourself as an unimaginative, lard eating puss-bubble. So shut the fuck up!

Porn Star Umpa Lumpas!

You fucking morons- injecting yourselves in order to get a tan. At least grow a pair and choose smack! How, fucking stupid and vain do you have to be? Anyone, dumb enough to buy into today's beauty myth deserves everything they get. It's a shame the jabs didn't turn you purple and make your eyes explode... even then some window licker would've continued to take the stuff, convinced by the bollocks on the packet.

On the tube the other day there was a 20 something woman, caked in slap, false eyelashes - three inches long, a trout pout, enormous tits and completely orange, like a porn star Umpa-Lumpa. What the fuck is going on it her chemically saturated brain? I have no idea if she'd had surgery' but if you told me she had - I'd guess.... lobotomy!

Plastic surgery - as fashion? For fuck's sake. The one sure thing about life is that the moment we're born we're going to die. If we are lucky we will get old and then die. Some of us will turn into basket cases, sitting in our own filth and sucking our food through a straw, but get old we will. Lots of us will go a bit wrinkly, forget everything other than where the cake is and then have our hearts explode, but one way or another it will happen - so get over it. Enjoy everything thing life has to offer and stop bending over to be arse-fucked by every new "must have" consumer train wreck.

I can understand and fully support plastic surgery for people who are seriously disfigured or affected by an abnormality - yeah, an enormous conk and jumbo lugs count. If your life is being made a misery because you look like a freak and people roar with laughter and point at you as if you were the Elephant man, whenever you walk into a room - you probably need to have a few bits trimmed up here and there. But if you are deluded enough to think that enormous tits will solve your problems you are a fuckwit. Now, being a fuckwit is much more likely to be the cause of your low self-esteem than the diminutive size of your jugs - so maybe read a book or two -you mong. Having your baps inflated to the size of two medium sized space hoppers is going to make you look like.... Jody Marsh, and convince everyone that you have a donut for a brain. Men, who give you attention because you have been "cosmetically enhanced" are probably not going to respect your opinions on anything apart from dogging.

At what point did women wake up and say, "look here, in the battle for equality we need enormous hooters - they will definitely get us equal pay." Of course no woman did. Men came up with the idea. "What do we like? Titties, big old titties! And money, lots of money -- now let's have a thunk." Then all they needed to do was find some female pond-life to go along with them and have her chest expanded and next turn the concept loose in fashion and celebrity consumer culture. Bingo, rake in the cash, you've created a whole new industry. An industry that: has convinced everyone it's self empowering; is letting women take control; is a lifestyle choice just like benefits and tax evasion.

If big old hooters are not your bag you could of course have your face changed. This week's fashion fad is say - lips that look like two slugs fucking. Next thing - every wannabe singer, model, actress wants the new "look". Victoria Beckham has it done, it spreads through the papers like a virus and then the new industry moguls, sit back and watch their bank balances swell like Lesley Ash's lips.

Then you also get to sell lots of papers when someone ends up looking like a duck (Lesley Ash, again). The total lack of imagination it must take to decide to inject your lips with monkey spunk or whatever, is mind boggling. Isn't there enough shit to shovel into the back of your car in Westfield Shopping Centre, without resorting to making your face look like you blew a wasp? Have you seen Brit Ekland wearing glasses lately- Dick Emery in drag or what?

If swollen lips don't put a smile on your face, you could have a scrape, a lift, a peel or some botox. All designed to make you look younger! It's sick and ridiculous because it fools no one. Tony Curtis - wow is he 35? At least in the last few months he has given up the wigs and gone bald! But it has taken cancer and being 80+ that has finally made him realise that even Hollywood can't really make time stand still, well in real life anyway. What crippled logic tells these fucking morons that this is a good idea? They will buy into anything that is packaged and sold in the right way. Hell, they even have coffee pumped up their arses to get the shit out!

Like cosmetics, before the surgery part, this stuff was predominantly aimed at women but men are just as vain and easily parted from their cash for bollocks (probably quite literally). It started in Hollywood and now men have been hoisted by their own petard. For years bald, beer bellied, pasty faced wank-jockeys have been telling women they are too fat, thin, tall, short, their tits are too small, big, saggy or their skirts are too short or long. Now, the women have struck back and want 6 packs, tans, muscles and hair - etc. So the days of a bloke with a giant, bloated gut and prolapsed bowel, getting away with a geezer factor of 50 because of their "personality" have gone. They too are injecting themselves with stuff to make them day-glo orange and having hair punched into their spams and I hope it hurts.

Come to think of it what's the down side? If stupid people want to inflict huge amounts of pain and discomfort on themselves in order to look like a bunch of cunts - go right ahead. And if it all goes horribly wrong - you only have yourselves to blame, so shut the fuck up, put a bag over your head or give us a fucking good laugh.

Do they do cock extensions?

Got a 4x4? You Wanker!

If you own a 4x4 you are a twat. There is just no argument. The simple truth is that you own one because you are an unimaginative, fucktard that is incapable of making a simple decision for yourself. "Do I want to look like a cunt? No, then I am not going to buy that 4x4." Such a simple conclusion is over powered in your excuse for a brain by some Jeremy Clarkson, car mag bullshit that tells you that you're safer in a 4x4 in a crash. Don't fucking crash, you moron. "Oooh, oooh, I am protecting my family," why, they will only grow up to be as bigger jerk off as you? The sooner they are gravy, guts and mincemeat all over your twatty leather upholstery the better. And remember while you are "protecting" your muling brood of pond life you are putting everyone else's family and friends at the mercy of your oversize clunge mobile, probably crushing them as you try to park. Or, maybe you think you will look cool, what like a farmer - for fuck sake? I grew up in the country and believe me, farmers are not cool. Most can only tell shit from shinola by the taste.

"But, famous people drive them," I hear you bleat. If you want to be like Kerry Kertona or Dappy from N'Dubz (not sure if he can drive as he doesn't seem able to keep his trousers up - granddad) just stick your brain in a blender with some bottom dwelling Crustacea from Iceland foods and press the liquidise button. Then get a 3rd rate television crew to make a documentary about your pointless existence and let them film you having a shit.

Why not save your money and the planet or is that asking a little too much? How much fuel do you need to burn taking your spoilt brats to school? Make the little fuckers walk, are you afraid they might talk to "poor people," or normal kids who will point out very clearly, and probably with hand signals, what a first class wank champion you really are?

Of course the other excuse is, "I spend a lot of time in the country and you really need one for getting about these parts." Fuck off, last time I was in the country I noticed they had lots and lots of roads, including some very narrow ones that are already jammed up with farmers driving tractors and shit, they really need more oversized cunt mobiles. I grew up in country and learned to drive racing a knackered Ford Anglia round a muddy field. Off roading is a piece of piss if you use the peddles and gears. Hey, you can even run over you mates' bikes and be back home in time for tea, if you are any good. So just learn to drive you dick wads or better still kill yourselves.

Thank you.

Look at his Little Face.

Look at his little face - like a retarded Shrek, whose lollipop has been stolen. How can anyone be surprised that he has fucked someone other than his wife? I wonder how many multi-millionaire, twenty something, men wouldn’t play “hide the sausage” with legions of willing women, given half a chance?

Yeah, yeah, he (or someone) made a point of branding him as a family man so he could reap the cash rewards of being a media personality/sportsman. That was his idea, I am sure. You can just imagine him in a meeting saying something like – “I feel the Rooney brand should centre on family values, let’s build on the idea that this man married his childhood sweetheart and not some gold digging ming mong. Our Wayne Rooney is keeping it real, yar.” Men, like our Wayne, are children, and often not very bright children. They are sweet toothed buffoons with a key to the candy store. So please don't be surprised or morally outraged when they gorge on cheap confectionery.

They are oil that lubricates the lifestyle/branding/celebrity/shit-storm we buy into. Footballers are rich pickings for personal managers and the PR industry. No self-respecting manager is going to fail to point out the financial rewards of marrying a "Wag", if only for selling the wedding photos to “Hello” magazine. I wonder how much easier it is to sell a married image to sponsors than a playboy, fuck machine? Oh yeah, Wayne loses millions in various divorce settlements, but look on the bright side, it'll help sell shed loads of one or more of his "autobiographies!" I doubt agents and managers lose much sleep, I don't see them looking after Gazza as he tailspins into a morass of mental illness, debt and boozing. And who can blame them for exploiting a humungous cash cow we have created? If we are willing to idolise these "celebrities," pay them a fortune and invest emotionally every time they toss themselves off maybe we are the shallow idiots who should get our lives in order before we judge. Let's face it most footballers are all washed up at 35. Their earning potential is either hugely diminished or completely gone by 40, so if they don't want to end up running a pub they better claw in the cash while they can. The other problem is they are also only going to have the "jet-set" lifestyle for a short time, they need to get the high quality, spit-roasting done because the offers will start to dry up when they are only opening the local "Spangles" nightclub with fucked knees.

We laugh at the inbred fucktards on Jeremy Kyle, who rut like wild dogs with everybody within a 3 mile radius of their sordid little middens, but are then surprised that the boy or girl that lived next door, who now has a mountain of wonga because they are good at kicking a bag of air, fucks people who have all their teeth and can wear clothes that don't have elasticated waistbands. I am more surprised when they don't go champagne drinking, drug taking, cum spraying crazy. What would it take, apart from a complete lack of imagination, not try some of the treats on offer, for a limited time only, especially in our world of instant gratification? So they got married, to a poor innocent, fashion obsessed, stick insect - does anyone really care?

Feeling sorry for someone like Colleen is bollocks. She and the other Wags must have an idea that being able to shop until their feet bleed and an access all areas pass to China Whites comes with a high price tag. They buy into the whole youth equals beauty bullshit and surely even they realise that the surgeon's knife can only slow time down a little. Once they look a little less like a box fresh Barbie what chance do they stand? Screwed (or not) by the very revolting values they worship. It is like women who marry rock stars - they must know their husbands are going to hump groupies by the articulated lorry full - unless of course they marry Charlie Watts (in his 60s).

Is Wayne's prostitute humping news? Not really - it is about as news worthy as Ashley Cole is a bit of a twat and Cheryl Cole (who is apparently keeping his name - why loose a good alliterative moniker when you don't have too?) has a new dress, is giving a hand shandy to one of her dancers or is a bit poorly. If we are going to follow the lives of peanut, brained retards let's enjoy it. Let's embrace our voyeuristic tendencies, let's enjoy the titillation and the media guided curtain twitching, don't get all moral about it or act surprised. I don't want to watch Ultimate Big Brother for the intellectual conversation or the insight into what makes Vanessa Feltz, tick, other than lots of cake. I want to see them fuck and fight. I want to see them tear each other apart like wild animals and if they won't do it - release the lions and tigers! I want to see Jeremy Kyle bully a nincompoop until they kill themselves live on TV and the other guests kick Kyle until he is just a soggy smudge of blood, meat, piss and shit on the studio floor. I want to hear that Wayne Rooney has been caught dogging outside Buckingham Palace with Kerry Katona, Katie Price, John Terry and Jeremy Clarkson, while Prince Philip jizzes on the windscreen. I want to watch born again Christians, D list celebrities and Phil Collins, armed only with a rolled up copies of The Sun fight gladiators brandishing hammers, axes and big fuck of swords. I want to visit mental homes and watch the disables throw shit at each other..... am I going too far?

So next time "Half Ton Man" is on telly and you are looking at him laying naked in his own shit, or idiots on wife swap are screaming at each other, or some mentally unstable, talentless, misguided contestant is making a cunt of themselves on X Factor - ask yourself at what point will I turn off? Admit it, you love it! I am just sad it is so mundane. By the way has the film of Raoul Moat blowing his brains out ever made it to You Tube?

Pokey LaFarge and the South City Three.

These guys rocked the Luminaire, Kilburn last night. They washed the rainy night blues away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOzmOZQdcYY&feature=related

Back From Me Hols!

Now I am back from lounging around on a beach I can get back to filling time with pointless blogging, like this.

Those Indian people, they are soooo nice and foreign too.

Dear Mr David Cameron,
What the fuck do you think you were doing? How can publicly accusing the Pakistani State of “looking both ways on terrorism” do anything other than; cheer up racists, annoy every Pakistani that isn’t a Jihadist and make the lives of Pakistani politicians, that are trying to work to stop terrorism, much more difficult? Oh I know, you thought by saying such things would make India our friends and help us make lots and lots of money. After all from where you stand, Indians are nice simple little people who still love us, even though we really fucked them over for years. If you say a few things against nasty Pakistan they will just want to make us rich all over again, won’t they?

To be honest I am not surprised at your simple view of world politics and your peanut brained attempts of diplomacy. Your “new” era politics is a joke. This is the big boot bullshit that Thatcher peddled. Talk tough to impress idiots at home. Treat every problem as Daily Mail simple. Treat every race or group as a one dimensional sheep. Finally, sum it all up nicely in a lovely a sound bite.

In our rolling news culture that is all we can deal with. Multifaceted problems with huge grey areas are much too difficult to unpick and try to solve. Such problems do not fall either side of your or any party lines and therefore are bad for votes. So beat your chest, wave a big stick about and impress the morons. You'll be fine and will be making millions on a World speaking tour in a few years time, so what the fuck?

There was no need to say what you said publicly. That should’ve been between you and Pakistan. Alienating one country to “curry favour” (not my pun but I just found myself using it, sorry) with another is the behaviour of a naïve idiot. Does someone have to spell out where it will lead? You can't be that stupid can you? But hey, in answer to the question "what do you think you were doing?" You were shoring up your votes, by pandering to the thinly veiled racism that runs through this country by treating the Indians as tame pets and the Pakistanis as duplicitous, mad mullahs. Don't worry it doesn't matter, hardly anyone noticed and you may have made some some lovely wonga for good old blighty while you did it!

I have depressed myself now – I am off for a coffee.

Phil Collins is a Talentless Twat.

I was never a Genesis fan, even the stuff they did with Peter Gabriel was shit. Gabs saw the writing on the wall and left – smart move. (Although he asked Collins to help him with his solo stuff, I believe? Maybe not so clever after all?) Then we had the Phil Collins’ Genesis era, which clearly shows the lack of musical integrity of the other members of the band, when they take their less than competent drummer and hand him a microphone. Was it to stop him drumming or give us something to laugh at, or both?

Now if Mr Collins had left us alone and only bothered the beardy wankers with his substandard prog rock cluster wank I would not be writing this. But he chose to do a number of things that just scream “I am a twat and I am here to prove it!”

So where do I start, his solo career? There was a lot of rubbish music in the eighties as in all decades, but Collins sucked the big one. I can’t be arsed to explain why his recordings are so bad but “In the Air Tonight” deserves special mention. Its double, if not treble, tracked whining vocals skating over the top of an insipid synth soundscape, with intermittent big splash drums is aural sewage. The lyrics are bad teenage poetry and they are being sung by someone who looks and sounds like your dad singing with his headphones on. Anyone, under 40 who bought that record should have their stereo smashed to pieces with a hammer. They should also be made to listen to the Collins version of “You Can’t Hurry Love” forever until they chew their own bollocks off. And what the fuck was the point of that recording? For a man that claims to love Motown, pissing all over a classic is a funny way of showing it. If that is not bad enough he has just recorded an album of Motown and Soul “classics”, using the Funk Brothers, so at least we don’t have to listen to him playing the drums or any of his self penned, shit awful songs. But don’t worry, for a man that told Levi Stubbs how to sing “Going Loco Down in Acapulco” (enough on its own for twat status) he is bound to have got the Funk Brothers playing to a click track and put gated reverb on everything – brilliant!

Then there was Live Aid with Led Zeppelin. How embarrassing. Talk about not knowing your limitations. The arrogance of the man! I think that Page invited him against the advice of the others. They must have got Tony Thompson to play the drums properly. A monkey or a man in a gorilla suit could’ve played Collins’ parts. I hope he still wakes up in a sweat screaming about that one. Concord crashed in a ball of flames a few years too late as far as I am concerned.

Both the Zeppelin incident and “You Can’t Hurry Love” clearly illustrate that he has no musical taste or understanding. Bonham’s drumming was Led Zeppelin, without him, or someone playing like him they are not Led Zeppelin. Collins cannot have understood this or was too full of his own self importance to step away. He either is stupid or has no shame, but probably both. As for you “Can’t Hurry Love” - well the genius of Motown is in the melody, vocal performances, the arrangements, the musicians and the recording methods. Take everything away and add nothing – there is no point and no artistic merit to the cover – the behaviour of a twat.

Then there was “Nonce Sense” on Brass Eye, setting him up must have been like shooting rats, or Dr Fox in a barrel. It played right into his Daily Mail sensibilities – it is a shame Chris Morris didn’t convince him to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger….

Yes I know he made lots of money and has been successful, and sampled, blah, blah, blah but selling records was never the mark of being a good artist… Jedwood? You see, it’s easy.

Poor Nick Griffin.

Just imagine the scene. Everyone's favourite racist twat, in a rented suit, blinking back a tear in his one good eye as he is turned away from the garden party at Buck House. Then he is shouted at by nasty, Peter Tatchell. But big tough Nicky G is not scared that much, as he has hired thugs to protect him from the horrid, scary, shouty man. And he needs them as it would not be a fair match. Spineless, bitter racist windbag against heroic, fearless campaigner. Especially as Nick is so upset and outraged.

Nick thinks it is an “absolute scandal” that he was not let into the palace garden party and to be honest so do I. Why keep one racist scumbag out when the place was probably packed with them? I bet they invite loads so Philip has to someone to talk to and no one is offended by his favourite of racist jokes. Then again, Griffin is a common racist and your average posh racist hates common people as much as they hate foreigners! Oh unless the foreigners are Greek, or German – no they don’t like the Germans, or do they? Oh yeah, and some Asian people are okay if they are called “Sooty” and play polo….. fuck, this is confusing. At least we know that William and Harry are not… bollocks! I give up.

But it makes me chuckle that England's best know racist was not let into a party given by the wife of the country's second best known racist. Poor Nick, he is even a shit racist, but I still want to punch out his good eye every time I see him. Is that wrong?

I Hate Children's Parties.

If I ever have to sit or stand through another 4 year old's middle class, toss fest of a birthday party I will staple my nads to a table and then throw it in front of a train. What a bunch of cunts - the parents, not the kids. Hey who cares about the kids they will eat anything with sugar, additives or fizz you put in front of them and then charge about until they puke it all up, but oh no, not anymore.

Today's party for the average pre-teen is a revolting game of one upmumship and it stinks like the contents of dead rat's arse. Gone are Golden Wonder crisps in a huge washing up bowl, fish paste sandwiches and squash and in comes an assortment of foods produced by a local "named" restaurant and organic waters with a touch of fuck knows what! Gone is pass the parcel and musical chairs and in with the overpaid twat in a bright blue bow tie pretending to be a child's entertainer. The only entertaining thing about them is wondering what the room would look like if the kids were given the right razor sharp instruments and told there was a Kinder Egg deep inside the the clown and the first one to get it out would meet Justin Beiber.

Then there is the goody bag. A bag containing cheap shit and a pencil with a cartoon character on it. Why? Whose birthday is it?

But worst of all are the parents. It's not the kids' fault they have arseholes for parents but most of them do. There is the dad that spends the whole time staring out of a window, on his phone, looking at his car with a personalised number plate. Then there is jokey dad flirting with all the fat stupid mums that are craving a bit of attention. Then there is super dad getting involved with everything, like an overgrown beer-bellied Blue Peter presenter in flip-flops and an Hawaiian shirt - your basic twat.

Then there are the women. They just compete at every level. Earth mum is sitting right in the middle of the room, expressing milk out of a big, fat tit. Fashion mum is tottering about on designer shoes, caked in slap talking in a loud voice about little Emilia's dress. Then there are the Tory voters, that wear twin sets and pearls, big dresses to cover their fat arses with puffy, white, moon faces and horse teeth. I hate these the most with their "I'm not racist but" but they are racist. Their complaints about Antonia's private school and how intelligent their three and four year olds are for their ages and how they need stretching academically. FUCK OFF! I just want to smash out every horse tooth in their stupid fat faces. I want to tell them just how unremarkable their children are and how they will probably grow up to be as ugly fat, bored and unhappy as their bitter, money obsessed parents. I just want them to take their spoilt kids, their spineless, golf playing, boring husbands and drive off into the sunset in their 4x4 which explodes in a ball of fire, cooking them all to the texture of Golden Wonder crisps.

To sort this out there needs to be a system. As well as children's entertainers and goody bags the parents should wear badges. That have the answers to these following four questions.

Do you often find yourself agreeing with the Daily Mail or Telegraph?

Do you send your children to private school?

I have a personalised number plate with your name on, do you want it?

Would you breast feed a 5 year old?

If the badge has any combination which includes one or more "Yes" answers, I won't talk to you as we won't get on. However, if you talk to me, I will probably tell you your child looks like it has cancer, is a retard and ugly. Call me judgemental if you like, because I am. Maybe next time I should just stay at home.

We're Doomed.

Now ginger nutter, Raoul Moat has blown his twisted brains out on live TV, what have I learnt? Well, I have learnt that gallows humour is alive and well on Twitter and is very funny.

I have also learnt that our media will do anything to feed an ever increasing public appetite for voyeurism. Much of the news media is already rolling about in the gutter and about as serious as "OK" and "Nuts." Let's get out the flags and celebrate - it is now fine to show a man, labelled an evil nut-job, shooting his face off. Just like it is fine to watch any number of people, with mental health problems and addictions, torch their lives because it is packaged as entertainment, disguised as news.

"Well you made jokes at Moat's expense," I hear you say. Yes I did - he looked like a fucking potato for Christ's sake and titted about playing hide and seek with thousands of hacks and cops for 7 days. He was a thoroughly nasty piece of work and needed to be locked up - the whole sordid story was begging for some piss taking and I couldn't help myself. Double standards? I don't think so. Many of the sick pranksters on Twitter are taking the piss, and maybe taking cheap shots (no pun intended) but they are not pretending to do or be anything else.

I am sick enough to laugh at almost anything, but what I can't stand is the endless rolling news scraping the the depths of human misery, sensationalising it and vomiting it up as entertainment. I don't want the news full of interviews with anyone with an arsehole, giving their take on the matter. I don't want shots of roads Moat might have walked down or houses he had a cuppa in, described in sinister tones. If they had found his shit would they have shown that? Don't worry, I can cope with news that isn't turned into a freak show. I'm a reader and don't need someone to draw me a sensationalised, distorted picture, I can do that in my own head thanks.

Filming his last moments alive and probably his death was not needed, I have an imagination. If you tell me a man is sitting on the ground with a shotgun at his chin, surrounded by armed police - I can kinda work out what that may look like. And hey, I can always watch the miniseries when it comes out if I really am incapable of creating an image of a very angry potato in my head. Thankfully they haven't broadcast the actual moment he was pumped full of electricity and blasted his brains over nearby cops - but I am sure a pixelated version is on the way.

So rolling media, take your ghoulish obsession with trying to titillate us with your news porn and fuck off and die. Luckily I didn't see Sky news, but it is a shame the cops didn't taser the scrot sack of the scum that sat in the tree filming. I would pay to see that and laugh out loud as he twitched and fizzed like cheap firework.

Next time we get a dangerous, disturbed violent lunatic on the loose, let's catch him, wind him up and put him in the Big Brother house.... Now that really would be entertaining. It would also be another step closer to live executions on Telly - which I fear are coming like a bullet from a marksman's rifle. We're Doomed - but you have have to laugh, well I do.

Nick Clegg's Freedom Bill?

I can't stand Nicky Campbell, he is a sanctimonious little twerp! He's like Jeremy Kyle with A'levels and doesn't he know it? However, this morning, just before I re-tuned my radio, I heard him interviewing Nick Clegg. Two of my favourite Nicks in a room at the same time? But then I heard Clegg begin to stutter.

He was peddling the big, new politics idea of giving people the chance to suggest bad laws that need to be abolished - the "Freedom Bill." I think you email in or something and suggest the laws you believe should go. Brilliant! So hands up anyone stupid enough to think this is worth a horse's arse? Anyone dumb enough (Daily Mail readers I expect) to think this is nothing more than a pathetic PR stunt should be made to live in a cage full of double incontinent, retarded monkeys.

Call me cynical and Nick Clegg did - so that is the one thing he is right about - because of course they are not going to take a blind bit of notice what anyone suggests, they will do what they want and then claim "it's what the people wanted!" How fucking stupid do they think we are? Hmmmm, Tory voters - maybe I am missing something.

It's politics for idiots made by a coalition that is already running out of ideas on how to keep in power. If you want to abolish lots of laws you think are shit - do it! But you won't, as you know that every law will be supported by a few Tory nut jobs and since you just kicked the country to pieces with a budget that will essentially create an underclass of poor, who will probably want to roast your gonads and then feet them to their children, upsetting the blue rinse Tory scum is the last thing you want to be doing. So tell them it was their idea and they will be slapping each other on the back, happy in their deluded self importance.

So listening to Nick Clegg spluttering his way through trying to sell this half arsed idea was highly amusing. Nicky Campbell asked him to name a law he would want abolished, Clegg avoided answering - probably because he doesn't know what Dave wants him to say. It was a bit like shooting a rat in a barrel and Clegg sounded like the spineless twat he really is. The trouble was he made Campbell almost sound like he was a proper political interviewer - no Humph or Paxman but he had him on the ropes.

So a note to both of the Nicks: Clegg you really need to stop acting like a total bell-end and grow a pair of your own. Campbell, don't think for one minute that was a fair fight. You just nicked a lollipop off the dimwit kid in the class, who eats dog shit when the school bully tells him to. Now please, both fuck off my radio.

Why England Are Shit.

I am so sick of people simplifying the reasons why the England football team play so badly and never get anywhere in major tournaments. I might even phone up 5 live! There are a mountain of reasons why our national football team is so shit. The following are in no particular order and there are probably loads more, each one contributing in a greater or lesser way to our nation's rubbish performance at national level.

Most PE teachers do not have clue about football. Hardly any have football as their first sport and a huge amount, even those coaching the school team don't teach basic skills. Seeing a set of cones out in a PE lessons is a rarity. The school team is picked to win. Size and speed matters. Kick and run works. Children that hold the ball and dribble are screamed at to pass. This win with shit tactics model runs through many Saturday and Sunday teams. You never hear a sideline comment like - "keep the ball, take on some players." It is always "get rid," "pass it." "Stop hogging the fucking ball!"

This Neanderthal approach means that skillful players have their spirits irreparably damaged. I wonder how much psychological damage is done when players such as Rooney at 6 years old are subjected to abuse and criticism from the sidelines of weekend games. I am sure this why so many of our players "choke" on the international stage, away from the support mechanisms of their clubs. When things go well, they are fine. When the anxiety and pressure build that "choking" psychology stifles their ability. No manager can undo what was done while the player grew up. Of course not all players suffer this but there are enough to screw up any England team.

Yes, but what about the past? Players didn't choke in 1966. No because I suspect the levels of abuse were not nearly so vicious when they played as children, and they spent hours and hours playing football away from adults. I, like millions of kids played with my mates on huge playing fields, for days at a time from dawn til dusk, cycling home for lunch and my tea. 28 a-side, one against one, one player against the defence. You don't see that now. There is lots of football in my local park but the "jumpers for goalposts games" are often young adult men but for children it is only adult organised training and matches that last no longer than 2 hours at a time.

Today millions of acres of playing fields have been sold off and the hugely over blown, media scare mongering about paedophilia stop parents allowing their children out of their sight - and who can blame them? Knife-crime, mugging, paedos... "There you go Timmy, take your iphone and iplayer, pocket video game thing and £100 replica strip and go and play football in the park for 8 hours with your mates. I'll see you at teatime." Hmmm, a lot has changed. My Leeds strip was enhanced by the sock tags and badge my granny made me.

Then there is our climate, although we are changing that at the moment I believe (every cloud). The English game is fast and physical. It suits the long winter months of playing in cold conditions. Racing about like nutters, punt and run - keeps us warm. Spending hours in the blazing sun learning close ball control skills in our back gardens or street, doesn't really happen; running around like maniacs does. This has to have some degree of impact on the way English born and bred players learn the game, compared to players that come from warmer climes.

Oh and then there is the people running our game. How many were high performing sportsmen and women? How many of them are analytical and bright? How many of them are driven by money and power and not by a love of the game? There is a mentality in England about sport, and especially football, that is hard to define but it is conservative and resistant to change. About 10 years ago I watched Man Utd warm up during the game at Wimbledon when Beckham scored that goal. I was with a mate who was a basketball coach in Ireland. We couldn't believe the way the players warmed up. Doing things, such as bouncing on hamstrings, that had been dismissed by most other sports as wrong 20 years earlier. How long did it take football managers, coaches to look at diets, when every other sports team in the World knew it was important. Or when were plyometrics introduced to improve explosive performance? I hate to think what other bollocks, left over from the 1940s, is still peddled as the way to do things. Yes it has got a lot better in the last 10 years at the professional level, but at Junior coaching, I wonder.

Think I am wrong about the reluctance to change. Where are the Asian players in our English leagues? I have seen immensely skilled Asian kids playing in our parks - so why aren't there many more on our teles. I know for a fact that some racist dinosaurs think they spend too much time praying or eat too much rice. A bit like black kids couldn't play because it was too cold. Many of the people running the game are just too stupid and narrow minded to sort things out.

Where are the academies across the country that nurture talent and develop high level skills a healthy mental attitude towards the game. How many kids give up at 13 when the realise they are not going to be a super rich media star. Our out of control celebrity obsession is not doing us any favours in all sorts of areas and not just sport. I am scared by the amount of kids that say they want to be famous -not I want to play music, or football, or paint etc -just famous. Our celebrity and consumer driven culture that results in kids thinking it is all about what you own and how many column inches you fill is more important than anything else is disastrous.

Chuck all the above in with our media's favourite past time of build 'em up and then knock 'em down. Too many matches, played in a style that is so physically demanding. Too many foreign players in the top teams (although I am not sure about that, but it may be a factor) and we are screwed.

I know things have been done to try to put some of this right but not nearly enough. Will they ever be sorted? Well maybe, but not in the next 10 years. Maybe twenty. Maybe sitting in a pram wearing nappies is a boy who will hold up the world cup for England again and we will all know his name. Come on England.

What the Fuck?

This is mental and looks ridiculous. They could have at least given it a couple of fluffy feet? And they probably snipped his balls off years ago.

David Tredinnick!

Right, ever since this morning the name Tredinnick has been buzzing around in my head like an angry wasp in a jam jar. I heard him talking about some sort of research at the University of Texas supporting homeopathy and then Simon Singh giving him an intellectual bog wash. And then it sort of struck me- why the fuck did the Today Programme allow such a second rate buffoon onto the airwaves?

David Tredinnick is of course that Tory MP that claimed MP's expenses for astrology software - not astronomy but astrology! He has called scientist "racially prejudiced." I suspect, and am worried, that when he thinks of scientists he just sees a posh, white, middle class man in a white coat who looks a bit mental! He also took a £1000 bribe to ask a question in the House of Commons! So he is an all round doofus. Oh, he also went to Eton - what do they teach them there?

Anyway, he is convinced that Homeopathy works and he gets on the radio. How much longer do we even have to debate this bollocks? How many more times do we have to hear about the half baked trials, that trumpet they've proved it works, only to hear that they were massively flawed.

It is bad enough that the NHS peddled this quackery and spent tax payer's cash pushing it for a time! Even homeopaths changed tack a few years ago. When every real double-blind trial came up with nothing, they stopped saying it was just in the pills but in the whole treatment, the time the care the TLC - brilliant. So, it is listening, caring (which is good) and giving people pills you tell lies about - not so good! If morons want that, let them have it - but don't every dress those pills up as science. Like creationists, sure believe any old shit you like - but say it is science and you deserve to paraded round your home town with a feather stuck up your arse and the word twat tattooed on your forehead.

Why do I care? After all, on the one hand it is good that the health obsessed chattering classes waste their hard earned cash on rubbish. It also keeps them away from the NHS which is needed for people that are really ill. Obviously, they only rely on quack cures until they have something seriously wrong with them and then they are straight down to see the good old none "alternative" doctor. I care because it makes people stupid. It is just another form of mumbo jumbo that attempts to pass itself off as science. Whether it is crystals, homeopathy, reiki, psychics, creationists - I could go on, when they attempt to move from the crackpot fringe to the mainstream (usually to make money and pump up egos) it diminishes us all and takes up valuable time that could be used to discuss real science and enlighten us all.

I am no scientist but find it thrilling to try to understand the debates about dark matter and energy, quantum theory and genetics, etc. Why anyone would want to waste their time trying to prove homeopathy works or ghosts exist or that we can talk to the dead (yeah, that's another rant right there) when we don't even know what makes up most of the universe but are trying to find out WITH SCIENCE- is mental.

So Today Programme stop idiots like Tredinnick wasting our time. Talk to proper scientists and leave Tredninnick to spread is bollocks on quack TV or the Daily Mail.

Oh and this is great. James Randi explains homeopathy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWE1tH93G9U

Kick out the Scum!

The cap on housing benefit is a brilliant move and one that will really protect the poorest people in the county, because real poor people are nice. It is those scrounging, parasites living in mansions at our expense, that I hate. According to Campbell Rob,"The vast majority of housing benefit claimants are either pensioners, those with disabilities, people caring for a relative or hardworking people on low incomes," he works for Shelter, is probably a socialist and eats mung beans, so he would say that, wouldn't he?

Some old people might be living in little houses for tuppence ha'penny a week but I don't mind paying for them, it is those other fuckers I want kicked out onto the street. You know the ones, jamming up the supermarket checkout while they count out their pennies or the ones that are always in the doctors having there fat, swollen feet looked at. They are the ones claiming millions in benefits to live in huge bungalows by the sea, while they knit and watch Countdown and Cash in the Attic - greedy, wrinkly bastards!

People with disabilities and caring for a relative! "Oh, oh I can't work my back hurts and I am scared to go to work in case I get a blister. I need my wife at home to make me tea and jam sandwiches and all this space stops me getting claustrophobia!" Aaaaaghhhhh! Lazy, lazy, lazy! Get a job move into a smaller house and shut the fuck up!

Mr Osbourne you are my hero. By capping the housing benefit you will ensure we will find out who these malingerers and scroungers are, because they will be living on the streets and we can spit on them- as we merrily go to our jobs, you have protected. What makes it even better the majority of these scumbags will be living in London, where honest people have bought second homes and then charged perfectly reasonable market rents to local councils to help them house scum. Now the scum will be booted out - because landlords do not lower your rents! Once the filth is evicted lots of nice hard working people can move in. In one carefully crafted sentence Mr O, you have successful solved a problem that has been getting up my nose for a long time. I own my house as it was bought with the hard earned money that Mummy and Daddy gave me, so I will never have to beg the state to put a roof over my head - fair play parents. And now thank to you I won't have to live next to dole monkeys.

I love the budget because you give with one hand and snatch it back with the other. Hardworking people will be fine - we always are. But the parasitic filth that fills this country will get a right royal kicking. It will be great fun when I see a disabled or a pensioner laying in the street. I can make myself feel better by handing over a pound and then kicking them until they piss themselves.

Bollocks!

So much to write about so little time.

The budget - what do Clegg and Alexander think they look like, staring up Osbourne's arse. They are of course just following orders. Clegg like a nodding dog - is that some kind of twitch he has developed from endless hours licking Cameron's ahole? Alexander looked like he has been given a wedgie by the big boys while they called him ginger balls.

You can't blame the Tories, you expect them to be a bunch of cunts, but the Lib Dems, surely their credibility is completely shot through - please let this be the beginning of the end. I want to see them tear each other to shreds like angry foxes in a maternity ward. So VAT to 20% but no tax on fags and booze and a council tax freeze. Surely VAT rise cancels both those out? In fact what actually are the sums? Lovely to see them support the really poor as so many more will be joining them.

The best news is that such a budget threatens a double dip recession and the housing market must be buggered. With housing benefit limits what about all those buy to let landlords that rely on high housing benefit - and lots I expect voted Tory - every cloud and all that.

Never mind - the good news is that the campaign to get Frank Sidebottom in the charts is going well. I have linked up with the Facebook group and we will pool our resources. Trying to get the song sorted. Stuff to do with royalties, getting it on itunes and then making sure Cancer Research gets the cash.

I am off to burn some money.

Come on Lib Dem Fags - Rebel.

Today we will see if there is anything really behind the ConDem coalition. Nik Robinson has been told that Lib Dems have been through the budget "virtually line by line" to protect the poor, elderly and children. So that's alright then. If the Cleggster's boys are behind the budget we have nothing to fear. After all, they wouldn't sell out just to make the Tories happy, now would they?

I wonder how all those people feel, this morning, who voted for the Lib Dem to keep the Tories out. I bet you feel great - the boys from posh schools, piles of money and the aristocracy are in charge and deciding where the axe falls - Feeling chipper and proud of yourselves? Yes I know.

It is like feudal times. From their positions sitting on mountains of money and privilege they look down decide what we need and don't need. I wonder what it is like never to worry about paying a bill? How in a month of Sundays can someone Like David Cameron or George Osbourn empathise with that part of the population that has to worry about £50 here or there? They can't. If they lose their job they relax back onto a big chaise longue covered with with money and wait for the next one to come along. They don't lose their, house, car and family. They don't have to see the results of their own budget cuts in the food on the table for their families, or the electricity meter running out. Posh boys just cancel a holiday, get rid of a Range Rover or two or sack a member of staff.

Let's face it we are fucked - the rich twats are in charge again. "Oh but they've changed, this is the new politics!" Really? There s a high possibility we will be screwed twice by this budget First, the cuts themselves - god only know what effect they will have to our daily lives. Remember, public services rot from the inside out. By the time the general public notice that schools and hospitals are falling down it is way too late. Secondly, the cuts are very likely to stifle the recovery - so we get a double dip recession or even, if we are really lucky a depression. Good news all round, then.

So please Lib Dems - if this budget shocks you and goes against all those principals you droned on about during the election have the balls to stand up and say "enough!" Stop letting the posh boys (and it is boys, white middle class boys) use you like fags (public school "fags" for anyone who is a little confused). Let's see what this coalitioin is really all about. Now we just wait.

MakeFrank1

Tragic news today about the collapse and death of Frank Sidebottom and of course Chris Sievey. I have many happy memories crying with laughter at Frank and Little Frank - Ziggy Ziggy Sputnik - Love Missile, "shoot it up" and Material Girl/Boy! I could go on - Genius.

So let's make him number one. Not only would it be a brilliant way to remember a great British comedy talent, but also a way to stick two fingers up at the music industry and mock the whole business - very much in the way Frank did.

All you have to do is follow MakeFrank1 on Twitter and wait. Once we have enough followers adn access to either his World Cup single "Three Shirts on my Line" or another named track MakeFrank1 will instruct you to buy, buy, buy. You know the rest. MakeFrank1, will link up with the Facebook group going for the same thing and raise money for Cancer Research, if we can.. but we will let you know the details.

I Predict a Bloodbath!

Foxes are going mental - attacking our children, bins and chickens. This is another legacy left over from the last Labour government. They let them breed like rabbits (sort of) and now they are ruling our streets. I saw one walking down my street only two nights ago. It looked like it was searching for some open patio doors and some unguarded under 5s - the fucker. I heard of one that actually climbed over a garden fence, just to get into a neighbours garden! If you let them think they can do what they like they will behave like wild animals! Jesus H Christ on a bike - the world has gone mad! Next they will be pissing and shitting in the streets! If we don't take action now and bring in legislation to curb this revolution, it will be too late.

I suggest killing them, all of them. We need to get behind our fox killers. Foxes need to have their little foxy bains smashed out with anything and everything we can lay our hands on. We need to rip out their garbage filled gizzards and celebrate by smearing the blood over our children's faces. Let's have fox culls. We could get every inbred, chinless wonder to get a horse and ride about a bit, just like a complete tit, wearing bright red jackets, supported by lots of dogs. They could hunt down these vicious predators and give them a short, sharp shock!

I just can't imagine why no one has thought of this before. Come on England, where is your spirit? Foxes are laughing at you. They want your children, gardens and garbage! They threaten our very way of life. Bring back hunting and while you are at it crows are a bunch of cunts too. I saw one looking at me a bit funny yesterday.

Cameron You are a Disgrace!

Comparing today's professional army with the people that fought two World Wars is disgraceful. You need to read up on your history Davey boy- what the fuck did they teach you at Eton?

No one can argue that today's troops face a tough time, but compared to the situations in 1914-18 and 1939-45 they have it reasonably easy. Yes, I know troops are dying which is terrible. However, today's army are not facing anything like the statistical chance of death and mutilation that the forces faced in the two World Wars - on any side or on anything like the scale. Just look at the War Memorials in every village and town. Also don't forget today's troops signed up for the army as a career choice (yes maybe not a huge choice for some but a choice none-the-less). But comparing fighting the Taliban to storming the beaches at Normandy and then fighting to Berlin, or facing horrendous odds flying endless raids over enemy airspace is no comparison at all.

Let's just imagine or a terrible moment, the body bags from the first day of the battle of the Somme turning up at Dover, if the bodies could be found, or having to read out the names of dead aircrew every morning. Hmmm, not quite the same, is it?

So Mr Cameron before you cast yourself as some twisted version of the bastard child of Vera Lynn and Churchill, in an attempt to appeal to the jingoistic ming-mongs that think recent campaigns are somehow akin to fighting for freedom or the country's very survival - think again.

It is disgraceful that you are trying to foster some kind of "blitz" spirit on the backs of dead soldiers and their suffering families, in order to fuck everyone over with budget cuts. Don't think that people are too stupid to link the two, or realise just how pathetic and revolting your call to back the troops, like we did in two World Wars, really is. You nasty ignorant little man, just look out of your window... where are the troop trains? Where are the clouds of bombers crossing our skies? Where are the endless streams of telegrams announcing the death of a loved one? Using such awful memories to get backing for y0ur ill coneived and destructive policies is repugnant. You should be ashamed of yourself and apolopgise to the few people that are left who lived through very different times.

They Just Can't Cope.

They just can't cope. The game against Algeria was appalling and probably the worst game I have seen for a very long time. Something had happened before the game. They were like a family that had had a massive barney and were not talking. Every player looked like they didn't want to be there, and who could blame them?

Maybe we will never know the whole story. Each person will have interpreted the situation in a different way. However, something is rotten in the camp and I expect it is to do with Capello's management style and the England players' inability to be flexible and go along with the regime.

Capello appears to be a micro manager, which ultimately encorages people to behave like children. If you are told, what to eat, when to go to bed, how to walk, talk, play and think, sooner or later you start to resent it. Eventually, someone will explode and confront the manager. Suddenly other players start to see the flaws in the plan and start rebelling as well. The team is then doomed. Factions develop and any team spirit is gone. Then the game is up, everyone realises the manager has lost respect and control. At this point the micro manager's default position is to control even more as he feels his control slipping, which obviously makes things much worse and fuels the rebellion- the result- last night.

Of course the players are also to blame. They don't have the capacity to be flexible and see the bigger picture. Some of them are so spoilt and used to being managed in a particular way they see any other method as an affront. They are asked to play out of position, they are away from their support mechanisms and they are surrounded by people they don't know. They also miss the status they enjoy at club level. Then put them under the media spotlight at a high pressure tournament and the result is disaster. Yes they are professionals but put any group of professionals in such a situation with a micro manager and when things go a little wrong, the result will be the same.

Of course, if you don't micro manage a group of such fevered egos you may as well try to herd cats and hope it all falls into place on the night. The only real solution is to find a manager that has the respect, management and leadership style and tactical know how to get the best out of such a mixed group of players. And of course to be World beaters the team need to be greater than the sum of their parts. Ultimately, you need players that can be flexible and cope with the English set up. You also need enough mature experienced players to support the young flare players. So almost impossible really. Put this in the mix with: the English attitude to sport; grassroots training and education; the media; the wages; the wags; too many foreign players in the Premiership; too many matches; the climate; style of English play; the size of the population; I could go on - let's face it, we are fucked.

The only way we will ever win the world cup again is if we get most of this sorted and then have a mountain of luck. We will nearly always get out of the group stages and to the quarter finals and occasionally we won't.

Why can other countries do it over and over again? Easy, they are better and different. They also have their problems but just deal with them more successfully. Let's face it most of the the people involved in football are not particularly bright - just listen to the pundits! Most sports reporters and journalists, who endlessly spew out their often limited opinions, usually focusing on one or two aspects of the problem, have never done sport to a high level and are better at writing than running about. Most of them, I would imagine, were not the first people picked at school in PE lessons, so how can they really understand what it is like to perform at any level?

What can we do? - Nothing. Suffer until by accident it will all come good - in a sort of monkeys and typewriters kind of way.

Fuck it I am off to the park for a coffee. I have depressed myself... Hey there is always Wednesday when England will be great again - won't they? This is not how I imagined it.

Vets are a bunch of Cunts!

My family might come from Norfolk, but my mum does not and she is no fool. After my rant about people paying shed loads of money to have pets treated for everything from bad breath to cancer fate comes knocking.

My parents elderly dog has been a tad under the weather lately. She hasn't fancied her food, or her daily walks. She hasn't even barked like a mo-fo at cyclists. So my Mum took her to the vet. Unfortunately, she as a ton of serious shit wrong with her, according to the vet who charged Mum £400 to do a couple of tests and give her some pills. It could be lymphatic cancer, a problem with her kidneys, or a few other life threatening illnesses! But no worries, because there are loads more tests they can do, including cutting the dog open to have a look about a bit. Then there is the possibility of years of treatment, even Chemo therapy that can be offered but obviously at a price. A fucking enormous price stretching into thousands of pounds and of course the dog might still die - no shit Sherlock the dog is 18!

However, if offering such treatment isn't fucked up enough the vet quietly asked my sister, who had gone with my mum, what the limit was on the dog's veterinary insurance!!!! What a cunt. I wonder why? So they could spend the lot doing endless tests, raising my mum's hopes and putting the dog through an exploratory operation to then either fleece my parents out of a ton of cash that they don't have, or put the dog down! Fuckers - how morally bankrupt? They don't care about the animal or the owner, they just want to tit about and charge bundles of cash for it.

So, what has Mum decided to do. Well, the pills the vet has given the dog seem to have perked her up and she is eating and skipping about. She even went ape shit at a cyclist. My parents will monitor her and if the pills don't work (as they are treating a possible infection from a tick bite) and the pup has cancer, she will be put down. The dog hates the vet even more than me, so I hope she sinks her teeth into the fucker just before she slips away and her last dream is catching an elusive cyclist and getting a mouthful of fat arse and lycra.

Television the drug of the Nation.

I hate television. There, I have said it. 99% of it is shit. I only have freeserve and there is hardly ever anything worth watching. I just saw a few minutes of The 5 O'clock Show - what a fucking car crash. An ex Eastender interviewing another ex Eastender and Rufus hound tasting baby food. Fucking amazing! What lazy fuckwits thought that up. What was the production meeting like? "Any ideas?"
"No."

Who watches this shit? The Weakest Link! They almost tell you the answers and Anne Robinson's Shtick is wearing slightly thin. Why doesn't someone tell her to go fuck herself and then attack her with a chair, smashing her smug, cosmetically enhanced puss into a bloody pulp. She can be put back together each week with a bucket of botox and some old skin from her neck.

Then we get the news where we get to hear the opinions of morons in the street. "How do you feel after seeing those puppies and children slaughtered?"
"I am a tad upset to be honest." FUCK OFF!

Hmmmm, blogging - better than therapy. Calm, Calm, Calm.

What is the Point?

Well, it was 1-1 against the U.S.A. and I went to bed feeling fed up and stupid. I knew they would be average but hoped and hoped for so much more. Which, of course, was a waste of time. They will make it to the quarter finals, with a bit of luck, and then lose it under pressure; a sending off, a nervous blunder or both. Then there could be penalties. I am considering not watching anymore matches as it seems to be a form of self harm or abuse - like wanking to porn.

Everything tells me it will end in tears and a right royal cock up - but there is just a chance I will witness greatness, a moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life when - we beat the Germans on penalties and come back from 2-0 down in the final to score 3 against Spain in the last 7 minutes, driven by passion, grit and determination. The whole country will rejoice, children will all smile, dogs will run down streets dragging juicy chains of sausages, old men will throw their hats in the air and do little dances, old ladies will show their bloomers, everyone will talk to strangers, church bells will ring and the sun will shine for weeks. You see... pathetic. That is not going to happen. We will just be left with a spunk stain and an empty feeling.

Or will we?

Posh Ladies.

Two old posh ladies on the tube yesterday discussing cats. Nothing wrong with that? Or was there? They were discussing a neighbour's cat and a fight it had had. Hey, we all like a good cat fight, all teeth, claws and fluffing. But this fight was a posh fight, as apparently one cat was more to blame than the other. Like any good cat fight, one cat lost and had been quite fucked over by the other. The twist in the tail is that, according to one posh lady, the duffed up cat had started it, as someone had seen it looking at the other cat in a "threatening manner" before the fight! Fuck me! And therefore, the owner of the winning cat does not have a moral obligation to pay the vet's bill of the mullered cat.

They are cats! They eat mice and food from cans,they shit in the garden, torture wildlife, fuck and fight! That's what they do! They are animals! As for modern vet's charging a pile of cash to stick a thermometer up a cat's arse and look worried, they can fuck off and die. Am I getting annoyed over nothing? No! I grew up on a farm where we killed everything when it got really sick, or even a little sick. We cried when we fell over as we knew if we had a broken leg my Granddad would put us in a sack and throw it in the pond. The idea of treating a cat with cancer or putting wheels on a fucked dog is mental and just another way of extracting money from fools.... second thoughts, bring it on. Charge an arm and leg for pills for Tiddles, anyone dumb enough to part with their cash for what essentially is a fluffy bag of guts does not deserve to keep their money. Good morning, I feel better now.

I love Willesden Green.

It's in zone 2 and has a great little park with a cool coffee shop. I know lots of my neighbours. It's sort of very civilsed. But what makes it brilliant is you can still see pissed blokes in the street at 11am and they haven't been clubbing. There are too many shit fast food shops for drunks and the munchies but also a posh Sainsbury's local and Japanese restaurant.

I just walked to the tube and saw two people talking to themselves, with actions, a massive fatty, fat-fat woman, two yooves smoking a spliff and someone calling a traffic warden a cunt! Home sweet home. It's never quite gentrified and that's what great.

Big Brother again.

To complete my human centipede idea - on the last show Davina is attached to the back! I think that's justice- an eye for an eye sort of justice.

Big Brother

As usual, I won't be watching BB as it just makes me want to beat people to death with a sack full of broken glass and kittens. Maybe they should just starve them until they kill and eat each other. Or pump raw sewage into the house so the short ones drown first... now I would watch that. But better still... don't vote them off, vote them onto one long human centipede. How great would that be? A slowly growing centipede crawling round the house. Maybe the winner could be at the front so they could be interviewed. Feed them!!! Now that is television!

Here We Go Again!

World Cup, hmmm, I just don't feel anything this time. Too many disappointments, missed penalties, sendings off, injuries, and fuck ups. England don't stand a cat in hell's chance of doing much more than getting out of their group as usual. I can't face getting excited and full of hope only to be gutted all over again. Being an England fan is like going back to a wife, that has already cuckolded you four or five times, as you think she's changed and then she fucks your next door neighbour in front of the entire street, just as you come home from work. She then boots you out of your own house, knocks through to make one big fuck off house with your neighbour and you end up living in the garden shed with a flag flying over it saying "Twat."

But I'll be watching on Friday and after one goal I will believe... well I hope I will.

For Fuck's Sake.

Staffroom lunchtime chats up to usual standard, mostly moans about neighbours. I think I'll introduce "The Human Centepede"?

Mrs Thatcher.

Good to see Maggie is still clinging to life, just long enough for the Tories to fuck the health system and slash public sector pensions. What perfect justice it would be if as a frail, poor old women she spends her last days, soaked in her own piss, in a crumbling care home eating custard. Hey, and just think, Norman Tebbit may well be sitting next to her. Stay alive Maggie, you were always so caring and kind to the poor and frail.

In bed again before ten!

In bed again before ten. Radio 4 burbling in the background, which will undoubtedly cause many typos in this blog entry. A half decent day considering I was at work. The rain washed the bird shit off my car, the conversations in the staffroom were not as painful as usual and the tadpoles are growing legs. So I am counting my blessing.

I also enjoyed watching Danny Alexander stutter and splutter his way through a Channel 4 interview with John Snow. Alastair Campbell tweeted he needed "media training" but I just wanted to watch a Malcolm Tucker type kicking his ginger bollocks out of his mouth. How are these people in charge of anything?

Mobile Blogging?

So now I have another reason to stare at my iPhone like a wet lipped, brain dead, zombie when I am out. Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't feel so smug?

Mobile Blog.

So has this worked?

Mumford and Sons! They're rubbish!

Why oh why did I buy this shit? I was pissed, in bed on my laptop and wanted to get some new music. Forgot I ordered it and it just turned up from Amazon and boy does it suck. I can't bare the drum sound for starters and it is down hill from there. What was I thinking? I remember playing a track through my laptop speakers and thinking, "this sounds interesting" Wong! It hurts my ears. Is it a grower? No. I am not even going to try. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Warning, buying stuff on the internet when pissed is not a good idea.

Coffee.

Just had coffee with Wilma in Clerkenwell. We had a mutual rant about how we hate people that are into "alternative" medicine - like homeopathy! Then slagged off a few other people and ejoyed our coffee... perfect.

Sorted.

Right, that is the blog started. Hmmm not sure if it was a good idea. Time will tell.

Good Morning Blogosphere!

Left Norfolk about 30 yeas ago as couldn't face fucking my sister, living near chinless fuckwits with posh Tory teeth or inbred ming mongs in need of a banjo or two.

Mondays

I don't work on Mondays as I can't be bothered to get out of bed. Now I lay in under my duvet, listening to radio 4 and then I pop out for a coffee or two - which feels great. No more Monday morning blues for me - can't put a price on it. Screw the money, I would only spend it on crack whores and porn.